Love, or Pride?

Apologies to the few readers who still faithfully sojourn here, only to be disappointed by the activity (or lack thereof) of this blog. Better late than never, so they say.
I'll admit, I'm becoming predictable.
CAs were unspectacular. Biochem was laughable (S is on the glutathione, stupid, you suck), physio was a brain-drain, and spots was more guesswork than anything (e.g. inferior + superior rectal nerve for good measure). I can already envision the dreaded "Scholarship Revoked" appearing in my mail come end of Year 1. No excuses for mediocrity.
Relations with parents just hit a new trough this morning. Suffice it to say, Internet crashed, I was pissed, mum used it as a launching pad for her 592485680245 salvos on why I'm so screwed up. So what's new?
And worst of all, I didn't realise I was falling back. It was getting too comfortable. Familiar territory. Easy come easy go. I'm a sucker for irony.
I remain baffled by that curious incident in the library, though it meant nothing.
I fast-forward events to post-pros, and I see driving, MUNUS (basketball/badminton/futsal), teaching guitar, getting piano lessons (any takers?), PE, FOC prep, sea sports (cable-ski/windsurf/surf/kayak) and needless to say, lots of catching up.
All this, provided I don't get Extinction vivas in my face.
So help me God.

You're altogether lovely
Altogether worthy
Altogether wonderful to me

TCube took his pride away at 11:27 AM .

Finally, shady's back again. This time, from the scourge of the CAs. It wasn't half bad though, except for Anat which was a joke since it's supposed to be my favourite subject. Aptitude versus interest I guess. Kinda like my love-hate relationship with lit back in the syonanto years of _osie _mith. But I have God to thank for Physio and Biochem, which wildly exceeded my expectations. Without good buddies in the medlib (esp slum for his perpetual encouragement and worship sessions =P) I wouldn't have been able to run this race quite as well. Kudos to you bro =) We're all morphing into daryls next sem!
The activity on the tagboard has been quite phenomenal, esp considering the activity of this blog (read:none). It's great to hear from you guys, png wx bert qish =) How're all of you guys doing? Life here's a bitch. But there's some fun in learning terminology that only pple within our circle would understand (extensor carpi radialis longus anyone?). Sleeping during lectures (a skill picked up in JC), PBL with steve cheung, prosections in the anat hall, farcical FAs and lengthy discourses on the clotting cascade effect. That's kinda like a typical day at YLLSOM. Some of the lustre and starry-eyed me has been lost, but yeah. Medical school is becoming quite a comfy, convenient garment. An identity.
Post-CAs have been spent with unprecedented frivolity and slackness. I don't think I've dotaed this much, hitting close to 5 hours each day. It feels kinda surreal, living life without the cumbersome load of snell or guyton pulling me down, albeit temporarily. Someone I met online sounded the death knell yesterday, informing me that a few amongst us have already commenced studying. Not like I'm gonna start panicking like some headless chicken. It's December for goodness' sake.
Chaos erupted right after anat paper. First was slum's birthday and we kindly set a fairly easy treasure hunt for him to find derrick. The only clue he didn't find was the one in co-op, which was in the freezer =P And then it was off to munchy's to celebrate Prof Daryl's birthday. Can't believe I actually missed the Italian Chocolate cake ARGH. And after that was... home. How totally anticlimatic.
Saturday started off early at RI astroturf. First time appearing there for soccer, and I was clearly rusty from the lack of practice and fitness. Distribution was horrendous, which resulted in me spraying many passes to the opposing strikers. Thankfully though lightning reflexes and heroics from the unsung hero prevented any embarrassment. The scoreline was never in doubt, since our team boasted the likes of xunqi, fan, boxian, chim and slum. Failed to keep out an own goal from one of my defenders and a rocket from ruihong, but otherwise frustrated their forwards for most part. 3-2 to us =) Man of the match was undoubtedly mj, who later completed a spectacular hat-trick which included a volley that had Thierry Henry written all over it. Simply stunning.
Lunched with slum and chim, who's back where he belongs =) Really miss the big guy. And then it was off to comms parade! Really proud of all of you man. 38 weeks of blood, sweat and tears. And now, they're true blue officers. The creme de la creme. Respect. Saluting the Sirs =)

Me au and ahfoot =) Look at the shiny bars!

Council + josh at dex's proud moment =)

Cally yingwei and me!

Kayhwee and me

Me and shiyang pri sch classmates!

TCube took his pride away at 12:39 AM .

It's like a rehash of the events in J1. Only this time, I hope CAs won't be as disastrous as promos were cos I failed to eject from the burning nose-diving wreck fast enough.
Days of monotony. I'm quite disgusted at myself, sleeping through lectures, struggling futilely to stay awake while mugging. Why am I this lethargic?
The wall of silence has never looked so insurmountable. Whether imagined (self-consciousness be damned) or indeed present, it got so bad I had to shut it out on Wednesday, to just go out and punch some walls till the pain in my knuckles drowned everything out.
Running is cathartic. So is exercise, in general. And talking. But like J1, apart from hurt, there's the added dimension of bitterness. And an anger that can't be quelled with words or balms.
I've become a phantom. Kinda like the invisible man really. The unwelcome visitor that comes knocking at your door whilst you're in the midst of something important. The nosey parker tagging along. The extra. The spare. You get the idea.
Rewind 1 month back and really, that's how I would've liked things to be.
Things that used to be second nature now seem so coerced. Like rehearsed scripts.
So now it's a bad case of been there, done that. Scratching my head and asking, "Where did I go wrong this time?" Left alone to pick up the pieces. I shouldn't wear my heart on my sleeve, only to have it shredded to pieces. But that's me.
And to those of you who just love laughing at me at my expense, it just isn't funny sometimes. Well yeah fine, I'll probably laugh with you the first time you make a comment regarding my countenance. But when it's repeated ad nauseum, you exceed the threshold (which is really high since I laugh at myself alot), and you won't like me when I blow up. It'll be ugly, just like me. I don't have to deal with your questions abt whether I'm attached (or your view that I'll never be), or your opinion that I'll be the most likely to have an affair (like seriously wtf?), or how lousy you think I am. Give me a fucking break.
I look forward to Wednesdays now. When I'll give myself a good workout after the scourge that is anat (well I do like anat, but not after 2 hours of intense tutorial). 20 minutes of 6.0 was a personal best, considering I hadn't run for aeons. And mainly cos of the therapy that comes after that, talking, releasing, detaching. Steamboat with jeannie and lixin in the cold was great, and so was the long taxi ride back. Haven't talked so much in a long time. Lots of it pent up. Thanks yeah.
Feel slightly accomplished. During anat prac I could name and explain structures to most pple, minus the ones I hadn't mugged for. And CVS discussion was a real breakthrough for me. For once I could appreciate why this led to that in heart failure. Physio is looking more intriguing I guess.
Met cally today for a long overdue pouring out session, and she's attached now =) Really happy for her. I think what she said is really true. That if it's mutual, things can be so easy.
I'll commit this to God and continue to pray. Whatever will be will be. I still care, really I do. Just that I've taken the role of a bystander this time, since I don't have a place to go.
If anyone asks if I'm okay, it's probably a facade you're seeing when I say yes. Hiding the bleeding that was never meant for public eyes to see.

TCube took his pride away at 6:48 AM .

This from my buddy's blog:
There is something to be grasped in loneliness, like there is something to be grasped in despair, in helplessness, in sadness. Something strangely sweet, somehow.
And she's got a point there. Matt summed it up perfectly haha. Solitude makes for a bad companion. But it's found a bosom friend in me.
There're days in Medicine when the world spins too fast for you, and while you're struggling to find your feet everyone's gone. It's ironic, considering how I know the many faces that occupy the LT each day, but yet still feel a gaping sense of loneliness.
It was acute tonight. I was a total flop at volleyball, and played a huge part in our team's 2-1 loss (the consolation was the rubber, which was of no real consequence since we conceded the first 2 games). Totally clueless abt positions, so I was really a fish out of water, flailing and cursing myself for each unsatisfactory dig or touch.
Had myself for company for most part. Hoped to find a few long-suffering souls in the library but to no avail. Dinner with myself at NUH.
I can't believe I've hit a trough on a Monday.
I must thank slum though, for introducing me to a guitar virtuoso/extraordinaire/prodigy/insert synonym for genius. Tommy Emmanuel! He's showy no doubt, but this man has got some uber-fast fingers in The Hunt and Classical Gas! And with slow ballads like Somewhere Over the Rainbow and Imagine, he really just takes your breath away with his seamless, emotive, and most of all, sincere rendition. And to think this was one who didn't even have formal lessons in guitar, playing by ear for most part. Simply perfect. Haha we had a good laugh during the break between lecs abt christian metal. That's like linkin park meets hillsong. In short, WEIRD. =P
And thanks xin. For offering to lighten the burden and just listening to me rant like the old days of yesteryear (actually last year haha, we ain't that old =P). I really thank God for this friendship! Xiang zhi xiang xi yeah. Jiayou for your upcoming interviews and the big As!
Holiday tmr. But we all know what we're going to use it on. Backlog needs clearing. Mahjong at mj's unconfirmed, partly cos of the bad fengshui but mainly cos of my conscience (yes it exists, it didn't get eaten up by a dog...)
Anyone wanna catch The Prestige sometime soon?
Void. Laboured. I'm not worthy.

Look to the past and remember her smile
And maybe tonight I can breathe for awhile

TCube took his pride away at 9:37 AM .

There's an explanation for this hiatus (no, not the adductor one), and for once it's neither procrastination nor lack of inspiration. This time, BLOGGER has somehow proclaimed my blog SPAM! -indignant stare- And they only managed to unlock it after 3 weeks. Talk abt efficiency man.
It's been trying, this couple of weeks. In particular this week, cos so many things that seem pretty trivial to everyone just get me frazzled.
1. Internet was down since tues, so that means no dota/msn/email/blogging = no life at home.
2. The panic attacks are hitting stronger and harder. CVS lecture left me shell-shocked, formalin-induced nausea from 2 hours of anat prac leaves me light-headed. Add on to that lipid metab, histo... Screwed. Mugging has been nth short of abysmal too, and less seems to be getting into this porous brain of mine.
3. Bro kinda screwed up his exams, and parents got into a quarrel regarding whether or not he should drop lit. And I was scolded for not giving any suggestions. Okay. If I were in his shoes, I obviously would need time to think abt it, and not give an answer offhand right? Being implicated all the time kinda sucks.
4. Most of you would know abt 4...
5. You know how much it hurts, when all you really want to do is to tell someone that matters to you just how perfect he/she is, only to have him/her think so lowly of himself/herself.
It's like deja vu all over again. I swear. Though this time I seem destined to be consumed once again by all the demons I failed to exorcise. 6 weeks. Just 6 weeks to CAs. Must. Focus.
Thanks go out to waijia, lifeng, slum, matt, auds and shiyun for just hearing me out. It's been really frustrating, demoralising and draining, but I thank God for you guys. For your comforting words and prayers. They really kept me going.
I'll be fine. I think. Invisible. An afterthought. I'm content.
Was stunned by M's question. You know what the funny thing is? I don't even know where I stand as of now. Which explains the very unsatisfactory answer.
Shall post abt happier stuff another time. Mood seems hardly appropriate here.

Evanescence - My Immortal
I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
Cause your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me

You used to captivate me
By your resonating light
Now I'm bound by the life you left behind
Your face it haunts
My once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away
All the sanity in me

I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
But though you're still with me
I've been alone all along

TCube took his pride away at 9:51 PM .

I just have to blog about this weekend! Don't think I've experienced anything quite like this, a roller-coaster ride of nostalgia, friendship and God's blessing :)
Saturday started brightly with the meeting with the 3C gang comprising sara au and nic. Forsook astroturf soccer in the morning and bball @ rj in the afternoon due to excessive lactic acid concentration in muscles :P Cramps! Oh well lunch at nooch was pretty amazing, and we reminisced about the good ol' days and caught up with much aplomb. Haven't felt what it's like to just talk plain rubbish and jack friends at every possible juncture (occasionally getting it deflected back at me too oops). Of course a large portion was spent griping, me abt the sheer multitude of mad muggers (pun intended) and au abt his terribly strenuous stint as a signals oct. Bon voyage cambridge-bound gal, cut down on the expletives (and take care) taiwan roc boy and uh... good luck nicholas with picking up the language of lovers :P
Finally made up my mind to go to aud's church at night to catch benchwarmers! Haha i was kinda incandescent and bright, but it was really heartening to see how God has blessed audrey and keith with such a beautiful and strong relationship that's rooted deeply in their love for Him. I've got faith that it won't wane with distance. -cue awwwwwwww from the audience- :) And the movie wasn't half-bad either (except the gross bits when one guy eats suntan lotion and another eats some crushed beetle O_o). Could identify with getting bullied and being the nerd/loser everyone picks on, since I got my fair share of that in primary school. Eventually learnt to stand up for myself though, and everyone loves happy endings =) Actually felt like crying towards the end when the midget forgave gus. I swear I'm a sucker for heartwarming moments... Emo!
And well, I prayed after the movie. Prayed for the Lord to just simply wash away all the past hurt and disappointment, to heal all the wounds that I thought healed but are still festering beneath the skin, forming ugly scars. I prayed for Him to just take away all those feelings of inferiority and inadequacy, and for Him to give me the courage to try again. To love again.
Service at church today was POWERFUL! For one, the song I used for worship, Glorious Redeemer, was sang! As with other really really great songs like I stand in awe of you, Take it all and The time has come =) Got really high during praise, jumping and clapping with so much energy that I was kinda surprised at myself.
But I was touched most by what happened at the end. I went to the front and knelt before the Lord to replace my heart, to let it always be soft and tender to His word, never hardened. And the most magical thing happened. As I knelt there, two guys I didn't know at all came over and prayed for me. And they prayed for exactly what I had prayed for the night before, for the Lord to come and touch my life and take away the pain. In an instant, I knew that God had heard my prayers, and they had been answered.
It's apt that a line from ther's musical suddenly comes to mind: "There is power because people pray" =)
The coming week looks like a short one, and there're lotsa things to look forward to, the most apparent one being the impending one-week break! Badminton showdown with edwin tmr, gym with joyce on tues and thurs, prayer walking med fac with lixin on tues, FT on tues, and miracle weekend come Friday!
Praise God :)

TCube took his pride away at 7:49 AM .

On advice from a friend the promised photowhoring entry will have to be put on hold, on accounts that 1. too few photos were posted the last time (don't blame me, blame blogger) and 2. photowhoring is called photowhoring cos you post pics to make you look good. Yours truly sadly doesn't quite cut it and misses the 2nd criteria, so more photos of DnD (and yours truly) shall have to wait till tmr, or the next wk, or the next month, depending on whether I choose to become a hermit (ala mug MMS/Snell/Netter's/Guyton/insert sophisticated sounding textbook author here) or churn out more entries for the faithful few that still peruse this blog.
In other news (suddenly I start thinking of that hilarious scene in Bruce Almighty), the past two weeks have been simply crazy! Led two worships in a span of 3 days, and by God's grace both turned out really really well :) It's like I'm no longer worrying about the words to say, and each time I lead I just implore the Lord to speak and minister through me, and He's done just that. Simply phenomenal. slum's worship was great too! First time in a long while that we had a praise song in the morning... really woke everyone up a lot :)
And so many pple have just been really really great so time passed by really quickly as well :) Got by on 5 hours of slp and fretting abt never being able to see the end of T3, but eventually that was completed. Slping during lectures was kinda bad though. Just couldn't muster the willpower to stay awake, and hence my notes got constantly mutilated/decorated :P But somehow the panic attacks are getting lesser and lesser, and slowly I'm slipping into med like it's some skin that I once knew. We all adapt I guess, but we mustn't ever grow cold.
Anyways back to topic. Exercise 3 times a week for good health! Wednesday's bball session was kinda dismal considering my erratic form, but for once managed to catch ther in action! -wonders if she was screaming rather than actually playing- =P But thursday's badminton was considerably better, even if she wasn't there. Survived on only ice cream but still had some good fun smashing and running around the courts. Played alvin and yihern who're both pretty gd. Should be sufficient practice before the final showdown with edwin come monday!
Gym today with joyce! Haven't hit a gym since God knows how long. Her stamina brings me to shame, considering my tyre punctured after 10 min of 7.0 =( But I attribute it to the lactic acid build-up from the previous two days.
Oh well. Abrupt end to this entry. Parental units are such a pain in the ass. More to come tmr hopefully.

TCube took his pride away at 8:36 AM .